He's Just Not That Into You - The Man Decides Again and Again on NO COMMITMENT

I remember when that book, "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo of Sex and The City came out. I had just finished law school and was going to take the bar. I had also gotten out of a brief relationship. You guessed it. He dumped me. Three coworkers discussed the release of the book from our cubicles, two married women and me - the single one who still harbored hopes of finding a fiance before turning thirty that would be to no avail. One of the married women said she would buy the book just so she could understand why an ex-boyfriend broke up with her years ago while the other reminisced about her teen years when she would stalk a guy who hadn't called by driving her car around his block once she got her license and expressed relief at her husband having found her.

 The book has chapters addressing cheating husbands and bad situations that women face in their committed relationships but is geared mainly toward single women like myself who are just dating, many of us against our will as we'd always dreamed of marrying the perfect man and having the proverbial two or three kids. As I scanned the topics, past the subtopics and little vignettes, I read as the author collectively scolded dating women. They wrote to him for advice and gave him their own naive assessments of their given situations only to have their misguided notions shot down.

My first glance at the book was painful to say the least, simply demoralizing. I experienced a moment of truth that made me want to hang my head down in shame. I felt as though Greg was yelling at me personally and snapped the book shut. I wanted to recoil on my bed if not out and out vomit because Behrendt's chapter by chapter dissection of men's dating behavior puts you face to face with the harsh, brutal reality - the real reason why the man who expressed how attracted he is to you is blowing you off, the awful truth that just can't be. That hot guy who said he likes you but isn't ready to commit is perfectly capable of having a relationship; he just doesn't want it with you.

But, he has absolutely no shame in behaving as though he does want just that with you - showering you with gifts, sweet talking you until you let down your guard. These intoxicating romantic gestures immediately precede him violently ripping from under you that carpet of Fairy Tale Prince Charming fantasy that children's books have ingrained in every little girl's brain. He's unexpectedly breaking up with you when you think he's about to propose or telling you he's busy when he really wants to get rid of you. Ouch!



And, what's worse - being as attractive as Cindy Crawford, who is mentioned in the book as having some dudes who don't know what the big deal is, doesn't immune you to a "He's Just Not That Into You" attack from some sadistic prick who will approach you, get you all excited, ask for your number, promise to call and then fail to. Nobody is immune! Not even the real hotties!


A few days after my discussion with the two married women about "He's Just Not That Into You," a fourth woman came down to visit our department. She had just been dumped by her long-term boyfriend who was now engaged to a younger woman he met six months earlier. As she toted her copy of the book and ran through the chapters in a way that told me she was becoming a Behrendt disciple, I gave her credit. She was brave to navigate that book from cover to cover considering what an emotionally excruciating, pride-crushing read it was albeit a fast, easy one. I told her I couldn't read it. It made me feel like an ass because truthfully I felt as though Greg Behrendt had written a partial dating biography of me.

"I know," she simply said, "You're supposed to feel stupid when you read it." Yeah. Stupid and unattractive. I had been a stumbling fool of a dater. Just a few short years earlier, I had a conversation with this same woman about a man I was crazy about who had stopped calling. We were meant for each other. I just knew it! Or so I had thought. I was completely smitten and counting our kids. She said she was sure he wanted to be with me but that he was probably just busy and "needed time." (Hold that thought. I promise you can exhale. I won't keep you forever like the men have kept me.)

The problem with the heterosexual dating franchise is that men control it. They're the ones who direct the course of the relationship no matter how advanced women are in the workforce or how independent we become. Women are limited to ending a relationship if they so choose or declining men's invitations for dates. But, the men initially take their pick and ask someone out. Men decide whether or not women get the commitment that they desire more than the men. Men don't have to worry about a biological clock. They can stall commitment well into ripe old age, make millions and find a twenty-year old bride. And when you give certain people just a little bit of that power like Mother Nature has given the men, things run amok.

If a woman takes the reins, she's desperate and needy. She's trying too hard, as my brother calls it. In fact, Southern United States culture forbids women to call men ever. But what if he never does call? Still. All the more you are forbidden to call. He has to call and whether or not he does is a crapshoot.

So, this is where the man can decide never to call at all or again. It's like a declined job offer. A rejection letter from an institution of higher learning. The only difference is that you're supposed to pick up on it by instinct. The guy won't send you a form letter for closure or more traditionally tell you outright that he doesn't want to see you anymore. You have to wait a few days to realize you aren't hearing from his fickle, false-promising ass. "Read the signs," they tell you. Sharpen your romantic defense reflexes, ladies. You're going to need them.

I thought I would be safe if I just let this book collect dust on my shelf until Oprah featured the author on her show. Her guests included typical single men discussing their dating habits. The most recent winning contestant on "The Apprentice" informed ladies in living room audiences around the world that if he were truly that into a girl he would "take her call before The Donald's." Aww, how sweet! Damn it! I should be that bitch. It was a general consensus among the men who appeared in the episode that Greg was 100% right in his assessments.

One man showed the audience numbers he saved on his cell phone. He had them carefully organized into classes based on how he ranked each woman who innocently gave his sweet-talking ass her number and waited in vain for his call. He categorized the group of women he was most attracted to as "The Dream Team." I guess you might be tempted to suggest that this is a guy who is just a commitment-phobe. Don't take it personal, ladies. Well, that guy will eventually commit, ladies. He just won't do it with you. Even if you do make the cut for his "Dream Team," you just might not be his dream girl - emphasis on singular. Close but no cigar!

When the movie came out, it was perfect timing for me. It had been about two years since the end of my last relationship (I dumped him), and I had built up an impressive resume of countless unsuccessful dates and promised phone calls from guys who never made them, as well as a list of men who were "that into (me)" who I myself had rejected in various ways. I saw the movie several times in the theater and bought the DVD. I just couldn't stop laughing, the comic relief being my ability to relate to almost every scenario, except for the one with Scarlett Johansson's character having an affair with a married man, a practice that Greg cites as the one dating mistake women should promise themselves never to make. I've been good about that one, thanks in part to a Catholic education. The threat of eternal damnation would render me averse to adultery.

The humor I found in the movie made me more inclined to pick up the book again with a new perspective. Greg doesn't just scold you. He gives you words of encouragement. He wakes you up so you won't waste your time pining for a guy who isn't treating you the way a guy should. His advice empowers you so you won't continue to chase a guy who is blowing you off and feed his undeserving inflated ego. It's painful at first when you read it and feel as though your dating life is embarrassingly playing before your eyes, but it settles like the unpleasant dose of medicine your mother gave you as a child. It's bitter and sour, but it will make you get better.

The only question left unanswered by the book is why some men behave so egregiously and waste everyone's time. They should clean up their act. And that's what this blog is all about - the rude dating decisions men make to the detriment of women. Yes, women do it, too. I have been guilty of some of this behavior toward men. I am not proud to admit it. This blog will address those situations, too. Some will be my own experiences and some will be others' experiences told in the first person as if they were my own. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If you believe I am using your experience without permission, please inform me and I will edit or remove the post. If you have something against me and want to post claims either on here or in a different forum, do be warned that I am an attorney and can and will take legal action against you.